I hate it, absolutely hate it, when person #1 writes or says something to which the typical reaction would be for person #2 to ask about it, only to have person #1 say something along the lines of "never mind" or "I don't want to get into it" or my personal favorite, "don't worry about it."
Which is why I'm going to tell you exactly why I'm in a shitty mood.
First and foremost, I'm just plain antsy. I want to have a purpose; you know, a daily purpose. I suppose the normal population would call this a career. I'm not very good at not having one of those, because this means that my days are pretty unpredictably predictable. As in, I don't have a whole lot to do. I don't do well with that either. I guess that's my own thing, but I don't know how to get rid of that guilty feeling that pops up when I can't come up with anything to do but just...chill. Man, do I hate that.
The idea of having every day free may seem like a dream to many people, but in my opinion? Not all it's cracked up to be.
Oh, wait. Hold up just a second.
I was singing a completely different tune in this post, wasn't I? Whoops. Let's backtrack.
I'm not going back to school for my teaching credential, and here's why: my heart just wasn't in it. When I had initially decided that I would become a teacher, my best friend said that while he was happy for me, he felt like I was settling. At the time, I went on the defense. But you know what? He was right. I would be settling by getting my credential.
To avoid any potential blog backlash, please let me just note right here and now: I am in no way putting down teachers. In fact, I think teaching is one of the most admirable professions in the world (I did consider pursuing it, after all!). It's just not where my heart's at.
And so, as of last Sunday, I'm back to square one. Remind me to talk about that lovely little quarterlife crisis that hit immediately after this realization, and how I'm currently investing in The Joy Equation (and Molly, for that matter).
So there's that. There are also some dating doubts (never fun), and Molly's cancer has gotten worse. My family and I are doing our best to come to terms with the fact that she's in a sort of hospice situation, and that we just need to make her comfortable. We've been through this with our dogs in the past, but it never gets easier. Ever.
I need to stop discussing this now.
I apologize for the Debbie Downer of a post, you know I rarely ever get this way on my blog. But I just had to let it out. Maybe it'll help me get out of this mood.
4 comments:
You have to let it out sometimes.
I wish I had some advice for you...pursue anything. Pursue everything. Don't so many find their happiness "by accident"? The easy thing to do would be to settle, and look back in 20 years and say 'why did I ever?'...Sending you a virtual hug, and if I could I would take you out for drinks tonight. Mmmm...drinks.
So sorry to hear about your pup. You're right. It never gets easy.
Oh Ali... we need to talk! *hugs*
I totally know that feeling of guilt. I felt it for the past year or so!
I think you said you were interested in writing/journalism? While I still consider myself, in many ways, a flailing newbie, I'm happy to talk shop if that's something you're looking into. Let me know!
The great thing about your blog is that (with few exceptions) we're here to listen to whatever you want to write about. If I didn't want to hear it, I just wouldn't read it. Anyway, I also want to listen to you anytime about anything. I've been way off the radar, but I'm coming back and I se some good quality time for you and I. Maybe I'll come over next week and make you dinner?
Meanwhile, big virtual hugs.
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