So, I've Decided

I'm not sure if what I'm about to say has been obvious in my writing. I mean, yeah, there have been hints of stagnantness (yes, I made that word up). Like that time I thought my blog wasn't what I had intended for it to be, that time I bitched about the current state of my affairs and that time I bitched about them again. And what I've realized is, all of these things stemmed from the fact that I had no idea where my life was headed. And what pissed me off about this was that I was the complete opposite of indecisive and directionless just 6 years ago. Because 6 years ago, I was going to be on Broadway. I was going to sing my little heart out and win a Tony. No seriously, I was. And then, after coming to terms with the fact that I was nowhere near emotionally cut out for a lifetime of rejection, I didn't want to do that anymore. But that was okay, because I was gonna be a writer. I was gonna (cliche alert!) live in New York City and have my own column and live. The. Life.

As you can see, I was a very realistic person at that time.

The thing is, I am a writer. But that's not all I am, and while I that's definitely both a blessing and a curse, that's also what started to really get to me. Suddenly, I didn't have a one track mind. I had multiple avenues that I was willing to take career-wise. And that's where I got stuck, unmotivated and upset. I started to feel as if I wasn't doing enough (this is a common theme with me when it comes to work, never feeling like I'm doing enough). And I noticed that in arguing about it with my parents, I was actually arguing with myself. Arguing with myself for feeling unmotivated and without a purpose. But how can you feel motivated if you don't know what your purpose is?

Coming to that conclusion actually put my mind a bit at ease. I didn't lack motivation, I lacked direction! Hot damn. I needed to stop talking out my own ass, pick a direction and stick the eff with it.

And the other night, as I was driving home, I did just that.

I decided that upon my return from Europe in the fall, I'm going to get my teaching credentials and become a teacher. An English teacher, I believe. But definitely a teacher. And with a little help from a friend, I know I can make it happen.

And after I made that decision, I swear it was like the clouds parted, the sunlight started to shine and the angels sang. What a relief!

So here we are. Well, here I am. Decision made, weight lifted, off I go.

And thus begins (cliche alert!) a new chapter.

Join me, will you?